Getting my Best Life in Order

Though productive, I've been really neglecting myself.

Related, an image of this has been going around the internet. Turns out you can buy it from the creator on Etsy:



I've been feeling overly critical, that I talk too much and do not listen enough (or well enough), that I'm scattered, rushed, and just a huge mess. I can't even tell you how huge a mess my house was. I didn't have people over for a long time because of it. My sink was filled with dishes past the faucet and I hadn't seen the bottom of it in over a year. My counters were filled with dishes, my kitchen table filled with jars of food, dishes, probably onion peels, the floor was gross, the main room of my house was impossible to walk through without stepping on anything. The futon always required some shoving of items in order to sit down. Things constantly were sliding off of the pile on my coffee table, on my chest, and glass jars perched precariously in my pantry constantly were falling off the shelf onto the floor below, crashing into other glass jars and frequently shattering. There was so much stuff near my back door that trying to step over it to take out the trash was a huge struggle. Everything was gross and smelly and awful and when I had to have anyone in my house, I would give them a twenty minute warning first.

I don't know that I have any pictures. I'm sure there are pictures of cats with mess in the background but I'm not pumped about trying to find those right now. Suffice it to say, I started worrying that I would die tragically and my parents would have to clean out my apartment and have flashbacks of what it was like to clean out my hoarder grandmother's house when she passed.

I hit an extra low point in December when I ended up confessing to my closest friend something totally unnecessary and hurtful I had done months earlier that I had regretted ever since. What was wrong with me that I could have disparaged someone who meant so much to me to someone who was a near-stranger?

It was time to start getting intentional about being positive. In the time since, I've cleaned out my bathroom, kitchen, main room, a large portion of my sign painting studio, and my office / sewing room / illustration studio is still a huge mess. It's the lowest on my priority. Also! I've managed to keep my passenger seat relatively clear. No more "sure you can get a ride with me but give me 5 minutes first." I don't want to write about all of these things longform, I just want to have a place where I can collect all the resources, tools, devices, tips, tricks, etc, that have been helping me. Maybe they'll help you too, or maybe a refresher will help me down the road.

Resources:

• Happier with Gretchen Rubin Podcast
• Infomagical from Note To Self Podcast
• Bullet Journal
• The Productivity Show by Asian Efficiency 
• Motivational Alarm file - Chalene Johnson 

Tips, Mantras, Methods, etc:

• Screw inbox zero, SINK ZERO
• The one minute rule! (if it takes less than one minute, do it right away)
• Put it away, not down. (I like this more than the 'touch it once' rule - that makes me not want to touch things at all and gives me a lot of anxiety. This one has me carrying things around the house but results in way less mess.)
• Be real with yourself - will you ACTUALLY use this? Have you used it in 5 years? Does it REALLY have sentimental value?
• Really Really Free Market, Clothing Swaps. So useful!
• Bullet Journal has been super useful - write it down, schedule it, organize it, tuck it away. 
• Don't check your email first thing in the morning. Their priority / emergency is not yours.
• TIMERS! I don't have time to clean this huge mess but I *DO* have 5, 10, 20 minutes to chip away at it, bit by bit, until the end is in sight. 
• Wake up early! Exercise, read, lemon ginger tea, eat a good breakfast, make lunch, plan your day.
• Gentle, motivational wakeup. 
• WRITE IT DOWN! Seriously, you'll probably forget and recall at an inopportune time.
• Start each day (or try to) by sending a letter of appreciation to a different friend or content creator.
• Ask for more information before sharing a related tale
• eye contact!

Some of these came from some of the resources above, or resources I can no longer remember. My friend Jenn put me on to the bullet journal - it's a method of organizing a notebook to be a planner and place for all your task and goal lists. I was a touch skeptical at first but now I'm a believer. 

I once got my place so clean I was able to take photos for an Apartment Therapy contest. This was years ago and my place was arranged differently then. Here's a link to that. Also, I moved my screen printing studio to The Pajama Factory in Williamsport. Here's a photo of that:


I share this studio with a writer / painter / genius friend.

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PS If you read my blog and feel the need to report your findings to my mother, you're definitely not living your best life and please know that this is a crass move.

Pretty is a Set of Skills

UPDATE: This piece was published on Bitchtopia, the Huffington Post, and Jezebel. 

Burlesque performer and fan dancing extraordinaire Jezebel Express once shared her realization that "sexy is a set of skills." While I wholeheartedly believe this, I think it extends beyond sex appeal. Pretty, too, is a set of skills.

In a recent conversation with high school girls about body image, several spoke up about their own preferences in females (specifically ones they might be attracted to) -- for them to wear no makeup. I couldn't help but think of two related comics by Alexandra Dal and Kate Leth, respectively:

My friend Caroline would always say that people would ask her if she was sick when she didn't have any makeup on, and I had a hard time believing her until I crashed at her place and found myself asking her the same question in the morning. The "natural" look is not natural at all, as evidenced by the copious amounts of "no makeup" makeup tutorials on YouTube. It is rare that a woman without any makeup at all is complimented on her looks. (A cat call is not a compliment.)

Pretty isn't about how my face happens to look due to my genetic makeup. Pretty is about what I do with that, about my skills in the makeup department. Finally mastering the art of the false lash, I've noticed that the longer the pair I don, the more compliments I garner. "You're so pretty!" "It's just these lashes. They're amazing!" We learn how to apply eyeshadow and mascara. We learn how to use concealer, lotions, foundation. We master the liquid eyeliner cat eye, we pluck or get our brows shaped to both complement our features and appeal to the fashions of the times. We gloss our lips up, and when we feel daring, we paint them red. 

But it doesn't stop with makeup. Pretty is also about hair. When I was in middle school, it was fashionable to have long, straight, shiny hair. My hair is naturally curly, but I hadn't had a proper haircut until I was 12 so I hadn't realized it was anything more than wavy. I was determined to get my hair to be just as beautiful as the popular girls at school, so I stood at the mirror in the morning blow drying my hair with a barrel brush. I looked like Alice from Dilbert. I achieved the straight part, but I had terrible triangle hair. 

It wasn't for a few years that I learned what products to put in my hair to work with it and not against it, to emphasize its desirable features while hiding frizz and puff and other unsightly characteristics. A suitable cut can also affect "pretty." I found, rocking a shoulder length curly 'do during my sophomore year of college, that my hair made me feel pretty enough that I didn't need to put any makeup on. I also found, rocking a shaved head during my senior year of college, that my lack of hair necessitated an increased amount of makeup, as well as large jewelry. There is a certain level of "pretty" that I feel comfortable expressing myself with, and changing my hair up created a need to find balance. 

Pretty is also affected by dress. It's a pain in the ass to find clothes that fit nice, especially pants. The low rise pants, that have been fashionable since I've been of age to shop for them on my own, squeeze my fat in a decidedly un-pretty fashion. I have learned that certain cuts of dresses look more pretty on me than others. My body looks best in dresses that are fitted from right below the breast to just below my belly button. I have also learned the trick to getting a more "pretty" boob-belly ratio: wearing a push up bra. Heels are uncomfortable, but they make most every outfit a bit more pretty. It's remarkable what a change a pair of heels will make to a tank top and leggings when compared to a pair of running shoes.

Posture makes pretty. A world of body woes can be washed away by learning to properly stick your boobs and butt out, put your shoulders back, and your chin up.

Pretty is artifice. Pretty is a construct, and a social construct at that. Pretty can be fun to do, to learn, to practice, to hone; but pretty can also be damaging. When I worked at Ben & Jerry's during undergrad, I noticed that on days I wore makeup, people were nicer to me. Our society ascribes value to women based on how well they've achieved this artifice to suit current trends and values. A woman's appearance is often discussed before or / and more than her personality, beliefs, passions, or achievements. Especially when those passions and achievements have nothing to do with creating this artifice. 

Women are constantly down on themselves, comparing their mental image of what they look like in the bathroom mirror in the morning to what other women look like fully costumed in Pretty with pretty lighting and pretty scenery to boot. I recall a friend wallowing in sorrow and cyber stalking the new girlfriend of her ex. As she clicked through MySpace photos (this was quite a few years back), she would complain to me that she was ugly and his new girl was beautiful. I had to point out to my friend that this girl had scores of makeup on. She, too, could put makeup on. This girl was not better than her. 

I love this example from Philly burlesque performer Hayley Jane.

She says: "what I look like 75% of the time & what I look like 95% of the time people take photos of me."

Pretty is like good design. It is a skill, or rather, a set of skills. You may be attracted by the aesthetic, but, like wandering through Target and picking up beautiful kitchen gadgets of whose function you're wholly unaware, it is important to remember that such artifice holds no intrinsic relationship to the value of the person, or the gadget, it adorns. 

If you're on welfare, you shouldn't be able to.

In the laundromat I overheard a guy saying, "If you're on welfare, it should be illegal to own Jordans." I tried to vocally express my disapproval of this statement, but he didn't seem to hear me. He continued, "That kid's got nicer sneakers than I do!" 

So I said, "Do you *know* he's on welfare?" to which he replied with a slight laugh, "Yeah, I do." and then sounding mildly annoyed: "I don't make assumptions like that." #makingfriends

I've never heard anyone say "if you're on welfare, it should be illegal to..." and finish that sentence in a way that wasn't RIDDLED with assumptions.

Ladies Survey

My friend Amanda tagged me in this beautiful video. A few years ago I made a tag response to end all tag responses (and by that I meant I was no longer going to accept being tagged anymore) but in a tweet Amanda expressed that she was interested in my responses, so I'm going to talk about the questions here. I'm not sure I'll have something to say for all of them, but here goes:

1. Who are your favourite female YouTubers?
I like this because I was actually able to become friends with a lot of them. LizzieRadio, ShesSoMickey, elffia, gemllama, genericfirstname, georgieBOOM, HatticusRex, Nerdfighteratalie, supersharayah, TheHill88, losergoescrazy.
2. Who are your favourite female athletes?
I don't really follow sports at all. Like, not at all. I guess my friend Jackie who defeated Hodgkin's Leukemia and runs marathons would be it.
3. What is your favourite book written by a female with a female protagonist?

This is hard for me because I don't read a lot of fiction, and a lot of what I have read is the white male selection they make you read in school. 

My friend posted this picture on facebook with the caption: "Read. Repeat 6 times and claim your english literature credit." I thought that was relevant.

That said, I do read a lot of comics written by women, a lot of autobio stuff. I think my favorite is probably Liz Prince.
4. What is your favourite film written by a female with a female protagonist?
It probably doesn't count, but Sofia Coppola's The Virgin Suicides. Again, hard to find something that fits.
5. Who is your favourite female fictional character?
Daria
6. What is the biggest problem facing female creators today (and any solutions)? 
I don't know that I feel confident saying it's the "biggest" problem, but as I'm reading The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf, I can't help but think of the way a woman's appearance overshadows her content in a way that doesn't hold true for male content creators.
7. Do you think youtube and online video in general are better or worse suited than television for tackling the problems and prejudices women face in the workplace? 
In some ways it's better, and in some ways it's worse. As Amanda said, online video allows women to present themselves the way they please, as both the star and the creator of the content without a panel of assholes to answer to. BUT content online puts the creator in direct contact with the viewers which opens up new channels for misogynistic harassment.
8. What do you pledge to do to make the internet a better environment for all creators?
I pledge to call out misogyny when I see it.
9. Tell us a story/secret whatever featuring women!
In her video, Amanda talks about how women are brought up to be in competition with one another, and I have to say that I haven't felt this as strongly as I have with Jenna Marbles. I watched some of her videos and immediately hated her because she is the impossible combination of desirable to dudes, beautiful AND funny. I expected that I wouldn't be alone in this feeling of hatred toward her, but then all of my female friends who would normally understand where I was coming from expressed that they really like her. It drove me nuts.

I hate that I have to compete with other women, but I've never found myself in a secure position to where the competition wasn't horribly real. When I was in undergrad I dated this guy who I got along with better than I ever expected possible. He was sweet to me in genuine ways that indicated to me that he really understood me. But then a strong willed friend decided she hated me, but still liked my boyfriend and my roommates. I was allowed to hang out with everyone still, but after getting home from the studio or work, staying up late to spend time with my boyfriend and my friends was an effort rewarded by a horrible tension created by the strong willed friend. Soon my boyfriend broke up with me, stated the reasons we'd always said would lead to our demise, and started sleeping with and dating my roommate (literally the next day). They dated for two years, one of which she was still my roommate for.

As a part of my healing process from that situation, I moved to the next town over to get away from everything. As I was doing so, my best friend who-I-was-in-love-with from high school told me he also  was moving to that next town for very different reasons. I was convinced that it was "God's Plan" for us to finally end up together this way. We went to the same church and the pool of available bachelors was frighteningly small. I felt way more comfortable being friends with married ladies. One night at a quilting group, I decided that I should stop seeing other single ladies as competition and befriended the only other single lady there. Around the same time, my best friend who-I-was-in-love-with befriended her too. I'd make extra effort to hang out with everyone, but it soon became really awkward for me and I learned that they were dating. I told my best friend I wouldn't be able to handle hanging out with him anymore, and soon enough they were married. I spoke to him a few times since, very briefly, but I declined the invitation to his wedding.

I had been hoping that befriending her would prove my feelings wrong, but instead it just confirmed them.  I hate it.

10. TAG PEOPLE!
No.

(any kindergarten is) Too much kindergarten.

Kindergarten again today.

If there is anything I hate more than tying shoes, it is being poked or tapped repeatedly. I made a quasi-teasing announcement in the beginning of the day asking kids to not ... touch me essentially, but some of them just can't break the habit of standing beside you or behind you and tap tap taping or poke poke poking your side and saying "excuuuussse meeeee, excusssseeee meeeee" until you turn around to learn about how Jayden stole Lisa's pencil. Or something.

These kindergartners were practicing songs for their graduating-from-kindergarten ceremony. There was a song about the flag. For some reason any school practice that encourages blind patriotrism doesn't sit  well with me. Luckily, there was only one such song. The others were a little more granola, including a song about bumblebees buzzing and having names and a song that provided an opportunity for 25 five and six year olds to flap their elbows simultaneously and shout "A BIG FAT HEN!" in unison. It was more satisfying to see than it sounds.

At one point I was sitting in the center part of a horseshoe table overseeing a group of students using scissors to cut out little graduation caps that they had colored in. I chatted casually with them as they worked. One girl stopped and asked me, "Why you talk like that?" and when I asked her what she meant, she gestured to her mouth with the business end of her scissors and clarified, "like something's in your throat."

I never realized I talked so funny until kids everywhere felt the need to point it out. But, on second thought, I think I emphasize my monotone with them, and I think they needlessly pick apart everyone about everything. There's probably some euphemistic explanation for this having to do with developmental psychology. I just find it annoying.

Another little girl started bragging about being homeschooled next year. She seemed really excited for the possibility to go to museums if she and her brother "did everything good." I wonder if it's a purely personal choice or if they've had problems with the school.

As I was enjoying the last 5 minutes of my (legally mandated half hour) lunch break, two students walked into the room. They explained to me that they had finished their lunch early and that the principal had sent them back.

I know it seems like a really small thing, but I find kindergarten especially taxing and I need every minute of solitude I can get to recoup. And, legally, doesn't that count as giving me work during my break? I told the students that if they were going to be in the room they had to just sit quietly. One immediately started talking to me and trying to tell me about whatever she was excited about. I reiterated my direction, and she sat down.

I know I'm horrible.

YOU'RE not the boss of the SCHOO-OOL.

Today I subbed in Kindergarten.

I hate kindergarten.

These children are almost first graders, but they were the worst behaved group ever.

One little girl, as I tried to gain control of the class by asking individual students and small groups of students to quit certain behaviors took it upon herself to stand up against my authority. When I told the students to stop talking or put books away, she would counter that they didn't need to put books away, that they were allowed to talk. When she began to comply with my directives, she began yelling at me to "leave her friends alone" and made sure I knew that I'm "not the boss of the school." In her most amateur (and perhaps adorably misguided) move yet, she started taunting me, trying to make me jealous because THEY get to go on the PLAYGROUND later and IIIIIII dooooonnnn't.

At different points where she attempted to bully me or fight with me, I engaged her in conversation about the thing she was saying. Asked her questions and acted genuinely excited for her.

I highly recommend this tactic. It worked like a charm, diffusing the situation as well as giving me a release of my frustrations in an imperceptible display of mockery.

Later a student complained to me: "He called me a liar!"

From behind her another student called out, "I did not!"

I tried to explain to them the irony of this exchange, but I think it might have been just over their heads.



Somehow, I managed to only tie one pair of shoes.

Bullshit

"You're too beautiful for that buuulllllllshit," he says to me.

The 'bullshit' being his misguided interpretation of a facet of my most sacred emotional bond.

This 'bullshit,' determined after having known me for less than a day. After accusing me of lying about every personal detail I shared.  After questioning me about banal objects and accusing me of hiding some sentimental truth.

The only bullshit here, sir,  is telling me my business like you know me.

... and if you really understood me, you'd realize it's bullshit to determine what I deserve by my physical appearance.

One Day I'll Be a Respected Educator

I thought that once I lost some weight I'd stop getting comments about how young I look. I was convinced it was the moon face that gave me a student-like appearance, but I've lost 25 lbs and I'm certainly not free from the offhanded comments that grit on me so.

Today I started a long term sub position in my favorite elementary school. It's only one day a week, because someone else is working the rest of the days and can't do Thursdays I guess. I wouldn't complain (as it gives me something to put on my resume) except that I've lost tooo many leave positions on account of not being able to be somewhere for 5 days because of grad school. Of all the days for the rest of the school year, I only have uncancelable duties on one! I could have done this entire leave position. Oh well. 

I decided to start each class super positive. Instead of telling the students what I wanted them to do, how they should behave, what I don't allow, I just told them how much I like working at that school and how respectful and quiet and polite all the students are and how much I was looking forward to working with them and having them follow directions and seeing what sort of awesome artwork they'd come up with. (Perhaps you've heard of the experiment in which two groups of students are given candies and one is instructed on how they need to be more cleanly while the other is praised for being cleanly. The latter group ends up throwing their wrappers neatly in the trash can while the former tends to litter quite a bit. This sort of idea.) It was working pretty well until one class started piping up about how not quiet or good they were. I had to switch on my stern teacher voice and be firm about that I expected they would do their very best to be. 

Enough pedagogy.

I'm in the middle of teaching a lesson about how to draw a barn (I was informed at 10pm the night before that I had to make my own lesson plans, so we do something uncomplicated) and I'm walking around the room checking that all the kids are in the right spot when one pipes up: "YOU LOOK YOUNG!"

You know how much I hate to be told that. Especially from people who are questioning whether or not they should respect my authority. Especially when I'm teaching at a public school. 

I shut her down with a "are you supposed to be talking right now?" and the question did not come up again. 

Later in the class I'm demonstrating simplistic barnyard animals. I've drawn a cartoon chicken and two styles of simplified pig. I tell them that they're free to draw any other animal that is farm appropriate that they'd like. A student asks me to draw a horse, but I was never one of those horse girls, I never spent a lot of time looking at horses or caring about horses and so I can't really whip out a horse without having one to look at. And I don't have one to look at. 

"I can't really draw a horse, " I say, and then proceed to draw this crappy horse head with all the other crappy animals I've drawn: 

A girl on the other side of the room calls out, "So you're not an art teacher?"

Not only am I an art teacher, but for the rest of the year I am HER art teacher. MFA and NYS Certified. I. Am. An. Art. Teacher.

"I am an art teacher," I respond with feigned confusion.

"But, like, not a real art teacher."

"I am a real art teacher."

"But not a FULL art teacher."

"I AM a FULL art teacher."

At this point she sort of sighs and is becoming visibly exhausted with me. It seems as though she might think I'm daft or that I'm messing with her. I launch into a diatribe about how drawing things from memory is NOT AT ALL what makes someone an art teacher, an artist, or even a good drawer. I find cause to mention not having been a horse girl nor having drawn lots of horses as a child nor spending time looking at horses, but add that if I had a horse to look at I could draw you a picture that looked very realistic, and went on to criticize my other animals, identifying them as stylized.

I don't even think the horse head that I drew was that horrible.

But anyhow, I think the takeaway here is that Drawing Horses is a key skill.

Maybe someday I'll be a respected educator. 

Mysoginistic Implications

I haven't made a video on YouTube in a while, so I don't often get emails from them. (the new layout is pretty intimidating to me and I've mostly stayed away from the site)

but the other day, someone left me a comment on THIS video.

here's what it said:

"I like your username. It's very clever. Well, sort of. Too bad you're not pretty, though."

It seems like trollingLITE, or maybe an attempt to engage me by pretending like this person wasn't just out to get to me. So this user is saying my username is sort of very clever? Those adjectives pretty much cancel each other out. Whatever.

What I find more interesting and telling is: "Too bad you're not pretty, though."

Too bad I'm not pretty? Would that have baring on my username? On the content on my video? The video is about the juxtaposition of the book I'm reading to the electrical grid behind me. There needn't be a person in the video at all, save for the fact that I wanted the book to be being read.

Why the hell does it matter if I'm pretty or not? Am I trying to model? To win a beauty contest? To attract suitors? 

No. 

I don't care whether randos on the internet think I'm ugly, but the phrasing implies that something would be improved if my looks were more agreeable to the commentor. What should be improved? Nothing. That, as a woman, I must live up to some abstract beauty ideal is ridiculous, and it strikes me as misogynistic.

Jay and Silent Bob and Kevin Smith

So I recently, per advice of a close friend, began listening to the Jay and Silent Bob Get Old and Jay and Silent Bob Get Jobs podcasts. I also watched or rewatched most all of the View Askew movies.

In the movies, the character Jay (played by Jason Mewes) is pretty mean to the character Silent Bob (played by Kevin Smith).

In the podcasts, Kevin Smith is excruciatingly mean to Jason Mewes.

The character Jay is based on actual Jason Mewes, so in this thought experiment, let's meld them together, shall we?

So: Kevin Smith bullies Jay bullies Silent Bob.

If there was an alternate universe in which both Kevin Smith and Silent Bob existed, how would they interact? Would he bully him worse than he bullies Jay? Not as much?

Would they be pals like the dog and the mouse are on all those cartoons also involving a cat?

by the time you realize why they are all crazy, it is already too late for you.

You win, pop musicians.

I am not a big fan of the Black Eyed Peas (hilariously, my dad is) or Lady Gaga (unsurprisingly, my mom is), but today and yesterday I've gained a lot of respect for the latter, and for will.i.am.

Someone posted an Adele vs Lady Gaga gif yesterday, and I went searching for the interview it was taken from. After watching it, I've gained loads of respect for her.

Like, I now DO believe you are an artist and a scholar. Good on you, Gaga.

Also, she ISN'T ugly, surprisingly... she just uses makeup to obscure what she really looks like. It's the ingenious plan that KISS had. You probably wouldn't realize it if you passed her on the street.

And she used to have this Alanis Morrissette thing going on.

And then I heard an interview today about will.i.am riding his segway (hilarious) and being inspired to create a tv show with the goal of changing kids' lives through technology. Dude, really? I'm into that.

Pop celebrities, I thought you were all just vapid party people. Forgive me.

I Was a Genius.

Igby is a bit of a bulimic. I don't think it's for any concern for her figure, and I don't think she purges intentionally. It's just that she hasn't figured out how to pace herself when eating.

When I think of it and have the time, I limit her consumption by just putting out a small amount of kibble at once. This is super annoying. I don't have a dog because they're too dependent. I needed to find a better way.

I started searchingbthe internet for automatic or cat-powered food dispensers. I was intrigued by this hamster-ball looking thing, but I didn't like the idea of a non-stationary feeding device.

On instructables I found an awesome food dispenser mod, and decided I should go out and buy the little feeding dish base and make it.

Before I got that far, however, I was struck with a far simpler idea. I often see Igby reaching her little paw underneathe some cabinet to retreive kibble she'd knocked there. If I put a bunch of food in something she couldn't get her face in, it would slow her down and solve my problem. BAM.

tl;dr: jars are handy in so many ways.

Misogyny

If we are to assume that misogyny is a hereditary trait, how does this continue? Who honestly, HONESTLY would consent to allowing a man with so little respect for her gender ANYWHERE NEAR those parts that make her unarguably female??

This afternoon, I dropped my car off to get my oil changed and took a little jog. I brought nothing with me but a water bottle, and then nervously stopped in every business I passed to check the time. After a 20-or-so minute loop, I returned to Mavis to find my car hadn't been brought in the garage yet. I resigned myself to sit in the waiting room and watch the TV, which an older man also waiting had turned to Seinfeld. After Seinfeld, my car hadn't been brought in yet, so I watched the Simpsons too. I did my best to try to ignore the man and the woman (who appeared to be in their late 50s) also waiting and quietly having an argument that sounded like they were breaking up. At one point they started fighting about who of them would know something more. The guy said: "I know, because I'm a man."

WHAT.

My face contorted into a look of incredulity and I tried my best to not make eye contact or acknowledge that I had been listening, but I briefly caught the woman's gaze, so she clearly knew how I felt about the situation.

The episode of the Simpsons was a rather good one, and one I'd never seen before. It featured Homer and Marge discussing their pre-married life in the 90s. (hilarious as didn't the show start in the 90s?) Marge goes to college, paid for by Homer, and she falls for her radical professor who talks a lot about the oppressive force of the white male. Marge and Homer split up, Marge briefly has a thing with the professor which ends sharply when the professor shows his true colors by saying "oh Marge, it's statements like that that make people say women are stupid."

What a relevant episode to be playing in the background of these shenanigans.

At one point this man pulls a number out of his wallet, for effect. Apparently some other woman had given it to him. He rips it up as a show that he doesn't even care about that, but if this is true, why did he keep it in the first place?

(I suppose this was because he later accused her of making him feel undesirable, and perhaps he wanted to save it for just such an opportunity, but still -- I don't understand why she was wasting her time with such a misogynistic a-hole.)

The Simpsons ends and Family Guy comes on. I walk up to the counter to see if I should bring my car back in tomorrow -- they hadn't even pulled it into the garage yet and I would be glad to have an excuse to leave. They tell me that won't be necessary as they were just moments away from servicing my car.

All the while this couple is arguing, the woman keeps shushing the man, who occasionally quiets down and always gives her sass about it. At the point where I've been sitting with them for about an hour, the woman turns to me and asks me if I can hear the TV okay.

This is in no way about volume. I had already taken the remote control to flip the channel and check the time. If I couldn't hear, I could certainly turn the TV up.

I turn to them and admit that they *have* made me feel a bit awkward, and the woman apologizes to me, and I tell her that, no, *I* am sorry.

The man begins to yell at her about bringing the argument into the public and yell at her for the very basis of her apology to me, and I tell him that I was a bit baffled at his misogynistic comment about men knowing everything, telling him I'm surprised that such men could even reproduce, when such an act requires a woman.

Sometimes I run my mouth off.

At this point he starts berating me for even talking to them and simultaneously begins defending his side of the fight to me [telling me that she is 61 and told him she was going to fellate every guy in the bar -- which she defended as saying that was because she was hot headed because he had slept with someone else] while berating me for saying anything to him [I wanted nothing to do with this but I didn't really have a choice] it is a public place, and also telling me that it's men like him [misogynists] who produce women like me [feminists]. Yep. He called me a feminist. No. He did not mean it as a compliment.

[My dad, while not the most outspokenly liberal guy, is certainly not a misogynist as I'm pretty sure he couldn't function without my mom and also, she clearly wears the pants in the family.]

I don't remember why, but he went outside for a bit, and I ended up talking to her for that time. We apologized to each other and I recounted for her the things that I overheard that had outraged me. I told her I didn't know why she put up with his bullsh--. She told me what drives her crazy is he won't take responsibility for his own actions.

He soon comes back inside and yells at her some more, "oh, you've made a new little friend?" turning to me and telling me that she wants to have a lesbian encounter. "It's true, she really does." I tell him that I don't think that's really related at all to what's going on. I start scowling into space and he starts yelling at her for always talking to everyone. "I just like PEOPLE!" she defends.

I walk into the garage to see how much longer it'll take for my car, explaining both that I have to go to work and also about the couple making me uncomfortable. When I go back into the waiting room, one of them suggests they take their arguement outside. "So we don't offend little Miss Sensitive ears!" the man calls out mockingly.

"SORRY for being HUMAN!" I respond.

I mean, really.

My Place!

I've entered my home into Apartment Therapy's Small Cool contest this year. I'm not thinking I'll win, and I'm not even sure they'll accept my entry, but I like the contest and my place too much not to try. Also, it gave me a reason to photograph and make a floorplan of my house, and I don't think the rules say I *can't* share them with you here.

So, this is where I live:

483 sq ft

MoCCA 2011

Oh my goodness, MoCCA fest. Last year, I was following enough comic artists on twitter during MoCCA time to realize that I was missing out on something important and awesome, so this year I made it a *point* to be there. At the Center for Cartoon Studies, Alec Longstreth had encouraged us to trade comics with other people. I brought a stack of Some Of Us two for this purpose.

The thing that I really like about festivals / conventions like this are the panels, and there was a panel about teaching comics at 11:30 that I wanted to / needed to go to. And then my bus out of Albany was a half hour late. Luckily, when I made it to the armory, there was a long line stretching around the building because the fest was opening a half hour late. I missed nothing.

In the Teaching Comics panel, I learned about 3eanuts (which honestly I think is an interesting concept but less successful than Garfield Minus Garfield). I forget the context, but I have written down a quote from one of the panelists: "People just think, they buy something in the store, it exists in nature." I love this so much because it's very true. Often I find people admiring the work of others and making comments about how they could never do it, likening the time, effort, skill, hard work and years of practice with some magic gift that some people have and others don't.

I stayed right in that room for the next panel, which was about Sequential non-fiction. I came away with a lot of graphic novels I want to read, and a discussion was raised about accountability and realness. I really appreciated discussion about how to portray events without being judgmental, or when such judgement is necessary. Someone asked "is calling it a *real* story important to the story?" which I found to be a convicting question because I work in non-fiction, often autobiographical non-fiction, pushing it to the point where I will illustrate an idea I had as something occurring within thought bubbles.

After these panels I took some time to actually trade some of my comics. I didn't want to go home with any of my own, so I figured I'd do this first. The first person I asked didn't want to trade so early because she was almost sold out of what she'd brought, but she was really nice about it and told me to come back at the end of the day. It was a good warm up. I had won a weirdly printed copy of one of Tara Abbamondi's Puddles, so I decided I'd give her one of my comics too. I wanted a copy of Kate Beaton's book, and I figured I'd try and do what I was doing a NEWW, a trade + cash. I expected her book to be $20 and I was going to offer her $15 and a copy of my comic, but then she was having a sale! And then she drew me and I just gave her one of my mini comics, because who doesn't want the people they respect to have something they made? This is a thing, I'm sure of it. Also, she signed and drew in my book. I was so entirely pleased about it that I changed my twitter avatar. I'm a dork.

My haul, including both trades and purchases:

I haven't had a chance to dig into much yet, but I *did* read Luke holds off by Jeremy Nguyen and Beard by Pranas Naujokaitis which were both amazing in very different ways. I actually got home and bought a copy of Beard for a friend of mine and had it mailed to his house. I think he'll be pleasantly surprised.

I caught one more panel which was a conversation with Dash Shaw and Brecht Evans. I had never heard of Brecht but I'd read Bottomless Belly Button by Dash and loved it. They are both very young and very funny. Brecht (who is Flemish) asked Dash if he knew what Bottomless Belly Button was called in Dutch. Dash said he didn't and tried to change the subject. Clearly he doesn't want to know. "You've gotta pay attention to these things!" Brecht scolded. I can only imagine.

After seeing some pages and hearing about Brecht's work, I went right upstairs and bought his book. I also walked around the convention for a bit longer, buying things, talking to people (especially people from CCS, from Albany/Troy, and about chickens) and feeling overwhelmed. I found a girl named Sally who was painting 30 second portraits for fifty cents. How could I resist?

I also was fairly certain someone was drawing me during the Dash-Brecht panel, and afterwards I asked her to see it and had a discussion with her about drawing unposed people and trying to not freak them out.

Overall, I found myself smiling at a lot more people than I usually do, on the street or whatever. Even though I was beat I was just so excited to be inundated with COMICS. I think next year I should get a table, but definitely split it with a few people so I can still go to panels and such. Also, I'm sad to have missed Drink and Draw Like a Lady. Alas.

Overdue

At the end of 2009, in lieu of holiday cards, I stole a trick from Hank Green and send out surveys. I did not receive one back from everyone, but the ones I did get back were more heartwarming and exciting to read than I'd expected. I kept a lot of Hank's question's, but changed a few. Here are the question's I asked:


1. How long have you known Emily?

2. What do you want from me?

3 What have you been up to this past year? (please be as detailed as possible, because I actually want to know.)

4 How much longer do you think you'll be doing what you're doing?

5 Why are you doing it?


6 What do you want to be doing?


7 What's next in your life?

8 How You Doin'?

9 What's the best book you read this year?


10 Describe a perfect day.
11 How are you feeling about kids these days?


12 (- In this space, compose your own question, and answer it -)


13 If you’ve seen these sorts of things, what is your favorite viral video? 


14 If you were a cliché, what cliché would you be?


15 Do you subscribe to magazines? Which ones?
16 What is your least favorite part of any given day?


17 What was the last thing that you made using your hands?


18 Cheese or Chocolate?


19 Where would you live if you could live anywhere?


20 What was your first concert?


21 If you could start a business that would be instantly successful, what kind of business would it be?


22 Invisibility or Time Travel?



And here are a smattering of answers I received. If you want me to attribute your answers to you, let me know and I can do that. I'm otherwise going to leave it anonymous.

1. answers range from a short amount of time to 6+ years to my entire life
2. jewelry that I've made / patience / beautiful artwork / nothing
3. DUI / raising children / moved to MA / pretended to be a grown up (sort of)/ almost went for an MFA @ Pratt / almost went to school for illustration at FIT / cried / played music / finished a Master's in Literacy / moved in with friends / moved in with significant other / got a job
6 reading & facebook / pretty much the same thing in a warmer place with more creative time / writing / writing something else / writing narrative fiction / honestly no idea / be treated as a professional


maybe I'll add more later. I'm a bit tired of doing this right now

This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

I recently realized that I've been waiting. For what? Perhaps to land that full time job -- my career. Perhaps to find that perfect someone, start a family.

But I realized not long ago: I'm 26. This is my life. It is happening. This is me, single, living in a small apartment in a small city, struggling to make ends meet, doing creative things, teaching people, loving who I love, getting upset at what I dislike. This is my life. I don't need to wait.

THIS.

#ThingsThatFrightenMe

New England Webcomics Weekend

On Saturday I went to New England Webcomics Weekend in Easthampton, MA, which is not quite a two hour drive.

Eastworks, the converted factory it took place in made me drool. Western Mass has a great knack for creatively reusing old factory buildings and adorning them with giant steel Futura letters. I could really love to live in an old factory.

There were a few different reasons I wanted to go to NEWW. Let's start out with that it was cheap and close. $6 for a day pass was not bad. I also wanted to get a chance to meet and buy crap from some of my favorite comics, i.e. Lucy Knisley and Erika Moen. These reasons are all pretty obvious. I also really liked the different panels being offered on Saturday, and then there is the part where I've never really gone to a con of sorts before. I'd like to go to MOCCAfest in the spring, and I had it in my head that I could get a table... but now based on the amount of work I have and the amount of people who might want to get a table with me, this seems unreasonable. At CCS this summer, Alec talked a bit about cons and trading, and sort of made it seem like standard good practice. I've bartered with people before when I've sold things at craft fairs (why yes you CAN have that mix tape for this book on the car-free lifestyle), but I knew it was going to take a bit to work up my courage to do it.

As I was standing by a table waiting to ask a girl who had a spread of 6 page, laser printed 24lb minicomics if she wanted to trade, a girl at the table next to her (with a septum ring and whose nametag said Spike) turned to me and said "which Emily are you? There are so many Emilys. What do you do?"

Clearly, Spike has never heard of Someday I Won't Suck. She isn't a twitter follower or facebook friend of mine, and I know it doesn't get a ton of traffic from outside of those sources.

I sort of stammer out about the blog I keep and I hand her the copy of Some Of Us one I've been waiting to try and trade with the other girl. She comments on my blog name, and after asking me my age she tells me she often thought that at 25 too. She flips through my minicomic, stops on the strip Red Plates, asks me if I use a brush and compliments me on my inking. She flips through the rest of it and then makes a sad face and says something about there not being many pages. I'm aware of the thinness of this. I probably made a total of three comics before I took that class in August, and when I was offered the opportunity to sell some stuff at Troy Night Out at the end of the summer, I decided to pull together what I had so I could actually get my name / work out there a little bit. I've been selling these minicomics for $1.50 because that covers the cost of making the copies and gives me back a little more. (Which will eventually cover the cost of the brush, t square, long arm stapler, etc). The first girl that I asked to trade seemed a little offended and then decided to, admitting that she'd never been asked that before. We lost our trading v card together. It was slightly awkward. After that I decided to undersell myself and think of my comics as worth $1, and offer to trade with other people selling comics for $1... and then I started offering a mix of cash and trade, which is the only way I can make up for my tiny tiny comic and still get the things I want AND get my comics into more hands. After the first awkward interaction, all my other offers to trade were well received.

I went to a few panels which were different combinations of hilarious and educating. I really appreciate NEWW because it is certainly more my scene than a DC / Marvel -centric comiccon. I mean, these were really the only people cosplaying.

During Tweet Me Harder, I really regretted not being able to tweet from my phone, but then I realized I didn't really have any idea what was going on anyhow.

Somehow we ended up discussing rhubarb and kale (how am I the only one familiar with these vegetables?) accordions, and the difference between Helvetica and Arial. All obscure subjects near and dear to my heart.

The inventor of the accordion? "It was somebody who was frustrated the piano was not a wind instrument."

Less ridiculous nuggets I jotted down:

Why do we still ink? Could just put your pencils up. It was a style born of necessity.

"Knowing how to use a brush makes me a better digital inker and a more versatile artist," - Meredith Gran

Spend as little money as you can to start. Once you develop your skill... THEN you'll understand why the expensive tools are worth it. Before that they're just toys.

Did you see the diary comic I made about it?

I took some footage. I'll throw it up on ChateauOfADeuce eventually.